Monday, March 7, 2016

On Kindness: A Tribute to a Kind Man

Kindness is important.  In fact, kindness is the most important.  Recently, a friend of mine passed away.  He had suffered with cancer and chronic, severe pain for the past couple of years.  I saw him  the afternoon before he went into that last stage of dying when living becomes an internal act in preparation of the final moment when passing occurs.

During this visit, he was the man I had remembered over the last five years I had known him.  We visited briefly--perhaps an hour, possibly a bit more.  During that time, he engaged me in asking questions about me.  He talked about not fearing death--that he was ready.   He talked about his sorrow about not being able to say goodbye to all of those he knew in a way that would bring the closure he wanted for them.   He talked about Hawaii and people he loved.  He talked a bit about his funeral.  He talked to his doctor who came in to ask him questions, thanking her and the hospital for the wonderful care he had been given during his hospital stay.   He ate a bit and coughed a lot.  His pain was obvious, but unspoken.  He had a demeanor of peace and as I looked at him I thought to myself that he is the kindest person I know.   As I left, he asked to give me a hug.

Through his life, my friend put others first.  He made random and not so random acts of kindness for family, friends and strangers.  His life purpose was that of service to others and through the way he served others he showed kindness.  He could be cantankerous when things were not right because on a base level his motivation was kindness.   When I left the hospital, I thought I would be next seeing him at a rehab facility and he would have many months of life.  The next day I got a message that he had slipped into a coma.  Friends poured in to honor a man who had been kind to them over the years to say final goodbyes.  Two days after my initial visit I visited my friend again.  This time he lay quietly in a space that was self-contained.  His breathing was labored and that look of peace remained.  I sat next to him in the quiet of the evening, hand on his arm, thanking him for showing me a path toward kindness.  As I left, I gave him one final hug.  Two days later my friend passed from this life.

In days when kindness is not of societal value, when we see presidential candidates offering decorum that is far from that of kindness, when the value of "me" is more important than that of "you", when bullying and meanness is esteemed, having models of kindness is more important than ever. As a mother, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as an educator, as a community member, I value kindness.   I recognize kindness and I show appreciation to others when I see it.  Kindness makes our world a better, gentler place.  Kindness is not grandiose.  Yet true kindness makes our world grand.

Soon after my friend's funeral I went through a drive through for coffee and spontaneously asked to pay for the person behind me.  I was at school and noticed a child in distress and took the extra moment that was needed to make that child comfortable.  I listened to my son when that is all I wanted to do was speak.  I recognized the simple moments when kindness could make a difference and I acted in kindness.  That is what my friend would have done.  Thank you, Dennis, for being a beacon of kindness.  Kindness is important.  Kindness is, in fact, the most important.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore.  ~Naomi Shihab Nye from her poem "Kindness"

Below are two songs on kindness.



Humble and Kind, by Tim McGraw


Nothing More, by Alternative Routes (Dedicated to Charlotte Bacon, a child who lost her life in the Newtown tragedy, in an effort to raise awareness for the organization Newtown Kindness.)

Thank you to the Two Writing Teachers community for promoting the March Writers' Challenge.  Thanks for giving writers and educators a forum for writing and responding.  Your service to education is valued and appreciated.

14 comments:

  1. What a gift your friend gave you! I have a dear, dear friend, who is a retired principal. Many years ago, we worked together and were preparing to hire teachers and were talking about what we thought the most important quality in a teacher was. I said I wanted them to be smart. She said she wanted them kind. That lesson has stuck with me ever since.

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    1. Your principal is very wise. How nice that you got to work with her in your career. And what a lesson she gave to you.

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  2. I love this tribute to your friend. Kindness is what we leave behind. You noticed. I'm so sorry for your loss, but in knowing him, you gained a perspective that is essential to happiness.

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  3. I love this tribute to your friend. Kindness is what we leave behind. You noticed. I'm so sorry for your loss, but in knowing him, you gained a perspective that is essential to happiness.

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  4. Spoken beautifully, Deb. I was honored to know Denise too and your words are so true. When I first met him at a seminar I was drawn to his kind face and the more I got to know him the more I realized that he was living kindness every day. I was sad when I learned of his illness and met him and his sister one day in a diner to chat about life. That was the last time I would see him and the memory of that day lives within me. I do remember even then him talking about leaving this world and how he was not afraid. I told him he reminded me of my dad even though he was younger than me. His eyes showed his kindness and I will always remember how he made me feel safe when he was around. God Speed Denise

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  5. What a legacy your friend has left, kindness. I think kindness drives me more the older I get. I hope someone will use the word kind when referring to me one day.

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    1. Elsie, I can use the word kindness to describe you right now--no need to wait for someday. Your posts and your support of new members of this community are nothing short of kind. I want my legacy to be kindness too.

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  6. Your friend left an important mark on you, and you are passing along this kindness which he embodied. That is a wonderful legacy.

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  7. Your friend left an important mark on you, and you are passing along this kindness which he embodied. That is a wonderful legacy.

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  8. As Tara said, your post will touch many today and through that and the deeds you will do, you are passing on the kindness your friend showed you, a beautiful tribute to him, Deb. I am saddened by the public displays that are not kind happening in our lives recently, hope that people will speak up as you have, and offer kindness instead. There is a quote I value that I'll share with you: "“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” ~ George Eliot Thanks for your words today, sharing your friend's life with us.

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  9. Beautiful, poignant, powerful tribute and reflection on both Dennis and kindness. Thank you. You've touched my heart today.

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  10. Deb, what a beautiful thing your friend shared with you. I guess that in the end, the only thing that really matters is that we show each other kindness. Thank you.

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  11. kindness indeed matters and Dennis did indeed live it...Thank you for putting into words what I felt for him also...he touched my life with sweetness and a tender heart.. he and I also had a conversation about his being ready and not afraid to pass into spirit...he experienced such love from others ,he told me. He felt blessed to have had the time to recieve that. He also believed heaven was real...and I know he is experiencing the glorious rewards of his life'surpose...Always present in our hearts dearest Dennis <3

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss, Deb. And how true it is that "true kindness makes our world grand." You are a beacon of kindness, just as your friend was, and now you have one more reason to remember...that star of friendship shining down on you each night. Much love. xx

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