Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Summer Poetry Fun

This summer I am taking a poetry class.  It has been both fun and has challenged me to think about poetry writing in a bit of a different way.  I have been pulling on memories, creating sensory experiences, and thinking about craft to shape my poetry.  The class has given me ways to get in to revise my poetry, something that has, beyond word change, been more difficult to do in the past.

Below is one of the poems I wrote for this class that had to do with a first memory.  For the assignment we needed to dig into memories and choose three that occurred before the age of twelve.  With each memory we wrote sensory details.  We then we asked to recreate the experience in twelve lines of six couplets and use specific words.  I used the words trace, glance and crowd.  After we did each of these exercises we were then able to take out the restrictions to make the poem fit the need of the poem.  I did not need to do that part, as each of the parameters that were given allowed my poem to emerge.  What I have struggled with is how best to use first or third person to create image and tone.

Blessed Is the Fruit of Your Womb

As we kneel before the tiny bed
to offer up ritual night prayers

traces of White Shoulder linger on her neck
delicately defying the staleness of the small space.

Repeat after me she whispers, “Hail Mary, full of grace…”
The girl of three mimics the sing-song prayer,

a nursery rhyme tracked in memory one line at a time as
two brothers breathe slowly in sleeping cribs that crowd the room.

With the song, comes a glance between lashes at a familiar silhouette--
long, fingers laced in prayer,  delicate lips,  newly protruding middle.

“I want to be just like you,” the small girl muses,
and the room contracts a little tighter.


Thank you to Two Writing Teachers for dedicating space and time for teachers and teachers of literacy to come together to share ideas, practice and life experience.

12 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about the voice. You know what I think might work... take out the first two lines and I think you have a masterpiece. The first two lines are telling. The rest are showing what those two lines tell. It seems more powerful without. What do you think?

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    1. And if you NEED to keep 12 lines...change the first two maybe to lines telling about the feeling of kneeling or the feeling of the bed or some other description avoiding "we".
      These of course, are suggestions...feel free to ignore!!!

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    2. Donna,
      Thank you for your feedback. I really value feedback. Where I have struggled with this poem is 1st/3rd person. The first line originally stated:

      As they kneel before the tiny bed
      to offer up ritual night prayers

      It is telling, but setting the stage in 3rd person--which I like but my professor did not. I like it because in the end you wonder whose world is contracting. I changed the first line to first person because it still gives some ambiguity. I like your suggestion for the change and will play with it. Thank you so much!

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  2. The sensory details really bring out the meaning in your poem- the perfume in the stale air, listening to the brothers breathing in sleep, glancing through lashes- they make it powerful. Nice work!
    If i were to offer up criticism, as the previous commenter did, I would suggest re-thinking the title.

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    1. Thank you for your feedback. I will have to think about the title. I like it, because it is a line from the prayer she was learning.

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  4. The part I like about the title is that the rosary is being said...then you have the room "contracting" and the image of a silhouetted pregnant woman. I really love this piece. The "we" threw me off - not sure who is speaking. As Fran said, the sensory detail is beautiful! I love "whispers", "breathes" and "delicately defying". Please don't take my suggestion as anything more than it is!

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    1. Do you like that you don't know who is speaking? This is something I kind of like. Or I could totally change it to 3rd person. Thanks.

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    2. Using "they" instead of "we" to me feels better in my brain, I think. But to keep it ambiguous, what if you left both "we" and "they" out? Like "Kneeling before the..." or "on knees"...? Just keep playing with it. I get such a wonderful image with it, it is worth getting it just the way you like it! You've given a lot of information in it, and yet you still leave room for interpretation, and that is a hard balance to achieve.

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  5. Hi Deb, you've gotten good feedback. I love the memory. At three, we adults don't often think that three year olds remember, but they do! If I may: Your first two lines are in first person, & you are telling the story, "your" story, but then you switch to third person as if it's about someone else. You might change line one to "they kneel before" or eliminate those two lines as Donna said, or-big revision-tell the story with "I" all the way through. I hope you know that your poem is so good we all want to respond-that's a great thing!

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  6. Yes, I do know that the response is because people see the potential and I so appreciate it.

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  7. Lots of response to your request for feedback. I love the traces of White Shoulder, the glimpse of the familiar silhouette and the ambiguity of your last line. I like the idea of dropping the first two lines. Lovely poem. As I always told my students, these are only suggestions, it's your writing.

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